Episode 52

By the end of this episode, one of these people will be dead. Let's guess. Will it be:

1. Bella Albrecht - delusional child-killer "My boyfriend wouldn't marry me with that child making me look uncool and clashing with the curtains etc..."

2. "The Big M" (see episode 51) a big old dolt who doesn't know what day of the week it is, or that there are such things as days or weeks for that matter.

3. Henry VII Monica Ferguson - our favourite circus-tent wearing wannabe top dog.

4. Nameless warder with no storyline

Place your bets!

PS If you said 2, 3 or 4 you were wrong.

Episode 51

Tracy Emin Noleen: Make a choice Martha. In one hand is the script of a storyline where you get to be best friends with a child murderer. In the other is the contents of your brain.

Martha has been creeping into storylines of late, so much so, that she's even been given her own nick-name by the other prisoners - "The Big M". She ends up choosing the storyline where she befriends a child killer, although it's a sad mark of her personality when even the child killer decides she can't stick her. When that happens, it's time to take a long hard look at yourself.

Episode 50

And this, reader, is Melinda, the student who Tom-Cat the lecherous lecturer has compromised his integrity over. If you're going to get yourself in that kind of trouble, you'd at least think he'd have gone for someone with faintly normal eyes and nose.

This is one of Prisoner's clever "deception" storylines. It works like this - you introduce a set of people who are not in prison and you have to guess which one will committ a crime by the second commerical break and end up sharing a cell with Bea. We were led to believe that Tom's wife would go on a killing spree, upon finding out that he'd been unfaithful. But it turned out that she went to the police when Melinda tried to blackmail Tom with naked photos. Fortunately we do not get to see the photos.

Melinda learns that she is pregnant (how unfair that her genes get to live on!) With her as the mother, and perma-Tom as the father, the baby will probably end up looking like something out of an HP Lovecraft novel.

Episode 49

Here's another one of those awful lecturers at the university that Karen Travers attends on her day release. This one is a kind of weird almagamation of Tom Jones (he's Welsh and has a big perm) and Howard Kirk in Malcolm Bradbury's The History Man (he sleeps with his students and is generally a bad lot).

From all of this university-bashing, I suspect that at least one of the writers got a third in English Lit, and now feels unfairly treated. Those bitter speeches about "book smart university people" by Vera Bennet are starting to look less like parodies of an authoritarian brute and more like someone's angry little manifesto.

Episode 48

Our first introduction to Colleen Powell, later to be known as "Po-Face". Those two scary protruberances on her enormous shiny forehead look like devil's horns are about to burst through at any second. Devil!

You have to feel sorry for Po-Face. She'll just be the occasional turn-key with hardly any storyline until 1981. She'll have to wait until episode 433 for her ENTIRE FAMILY to be blown up in a car bomb. And even then, it'll be a case of "been-there, done that" as Jim Fletcher's ENTIRE FAMILY got blown up by a bomb in episode 109. You'd think that lessons would have been learnt. You were wrong.

Episode 47

Everyone seems to be linked to everyone else at the moment. Woebetide you if happen to be waiting at the same bus stop as Monica on her release. Even if you never speak to her, you'll get written into a major storyline and that trip to a shopping centre will end in you on the roof, gunnning everyone down and being sentenced to life.

This shady looking character is Dr Clements, one of Karen Travers' university lecturers. He's a psychologist and is doing his "research" on the prison guards (though they don't know it). He's already driven Doreen bonkers (admittedly not difficult - I think he told her that Teddy didn't like her) and she's been written out for a few episodes.

Despite his horrible goat-face, he's somehow charmed Erica (she's such a snob - all you have to do is flash an A Level Geography Certificate at her and she's inviting you into her life), and needless to say, now nobody in the prison will ever be the same again.

Episode 46

Remember that aunt who had some money stowed away in her garage in episode 44? Me neither. Anyway, it turns out she has a similarly elderly neighbour (Edith) who's about to be turfed out of her house due to "developers", and because Edith isn't married to her equally ancient boyfriend, they aren't allowed to have a joint room at the local homeless shelter (I bet Vera runs it in her spare time). So as a result, they end up sleeping rough and he dies, and she goes a bit bonkers and steals some stuff and then attacks someone with an umbrella and before you know it she's in Prison, and I'm feeling like this is one of those annoying "Social Conscience" storylines that was written by a bunch of Jean Vernons, designed to teach us a lesson about the twisted schisms of the law.

Anyway, I included this picture because Edith seems to be the only person in existence who Lizzie towers over. It's like looking at an optical illusion isn't it. In fact it's giving me eye strain. Don't worry though. Edith will develop a cough quite soon after this and be dead by episode 49.

Episode 45

Now. Joyce's husband pulled off a bank job and gave the money to Joyce to look after. But she gave it to her aunt who hid it in her garage. And then when Monica got released she got it. But then Monica's husband found some of it, and he went on an insane spending spree with his floozy girlfriend Blossom. And then Blossom turned on him and it ended up with Bruce. Got that? Jesus Christ! It seems like everyone in Melbourne or even perhaps THE ENTIRE WORLD has had that money at some point. I'm scared to look under my bed incase it turns up there!

Anyway, I'm too confused to comment on this photo. It's probably for the best if we just pretend it doesn't exist anyway.

Episode 44

I make no apologies for the Monica-centricism of the last few episodes - now that she has been released, we are spoilt for choice. What can be said about this "interesting" picture? I call Monica's outfit "Sexy Blackout Curtains". And what to make of her husband Fred? A few episodes back, I was judging Monica for being a husband-beater and then making a joke about it. But having seen what she has to live with, I'm verging on taking it all back. His personality is as slippery as the gallon of grease on his hair. And don't get me started on the tartan-esque trousers and cardigan-waistcoat thing.

Episode 43

Monica Ferguson - the gift what keeps on giving. This is her "release" outfit (actually a tarpaulin). If the prisoners had any sense, they could have simply all escaped at the same time by climbing underneath. In fact, I think I can see Lizzie peeping out from the hem.

Like many giantesses, poor Monica suffers from appalling posture. She's going to need more than a few sessions of Alexander Technique to cure that hunch.

Episode 42

Just how low can Doreen sink? Fresh from being Frankie's bitch and then a short-lived personality change, she's now back to the tubby 3-year old that we all love. But with Lynne's impending release (thank goodness, she is so boring!), Doreen's arranged to mess up her parole by planting valium on her. And you were thinking Lynne's biggest problem was her nipples showing through her tie-dye sweater (I blame too much time spent trying to emulate Jean Vernon and her hippie tendencies).

Lynne's found out the truth though, and so smears dirt all of Doreen's face. Let's avoid the obvious "pig in mud" jokes, and hope that Doreen's next weird friendship goes a bit more smoothly.

Episode 41

Ladies in Red. New prisoner Joyce has a pocketful of secrets, including some damaging gossip about Jim Fletcher. But the big gossip is that she's the only one who knows where her husband's stolen bank money is hidden. I'm more interested in her Fashion Influence, as no sooner has she arrived, than everyone in Wentworth adopts this sassy "red" sweater, blue dungarees combo. Poor old Monica, for whom fashion means cutting her own fringe with a switchblade and a spirit level or wearing some camping equipment (see episode 43), shows just how easily led she is. It looks much better on Joyce. It would look better on Jim Fletcher for that matter.

Episode 40

A suicide, two escapes, a stabbing, a broken colour tv, illegal "grog" and Jean Vernon's scary clothes... Wentworth is a fucking mess and it's all due to Erica's wishy-washy liberal ways, so the Department have brought in a new male warden to be deputy governer. He claims to be Vietnam veteran Jim Fletcher, but that's clearly a lie: the moustache, dead-eyed expression and acne scars give it all away - he's actually a 1970s gay porn star, seeking a fresh start after appearing in key roles in A Night at the Adonis, Kansas City Trucking Co. and Boys in The Sand. It's quickly established that he hates women and doesn't want to be in Prisoner Cell Block H. Oh just give Wakefield Poole a call. I'm sure he'll take you back.

Episode 39

More Greek people! This time it's Kramer from Seinfeld, who is Irini's illegal immigrant brother. While he visits his sister, Vingear Tits is quickly established as racist, as every time anyone speaks she (hilariously) screams "No GREEK! STOP SPEAKING GREEK! SPEAK ENGLISH!!!" at everyone. Even when someone says Irina's name it causes Vera to flip out because she thinks they're SPEAKING GREEK!

Fortunately, nice husband-killer Karen Travers knows three words of Greek so she quickly gets drawn into this storyline and starts campaigning for translators and whatnot. But then horrible Monica doesn't like Greek people because a Greek family once opened a rival shop near hers. So she starts calling Irina a "Dago".

You know what, I'm starting to feel all enlightened. I didn't realise that you shouldn't be rude about foreign people up until now because it might upset them and they have feelings too like everyone else. Goodness! The clever writers have sneaked in a social message disguised as sensationalist entertainment. Amazing!!

Episode 38

Is it Halloween? No, it's just new character Irina and her sister-in-law Tessa who are in a Very Special Storyline about Greek People which is supposed to Educate us about Racism. Unfortunately, none of them can act very well so I got a bit distracted and started playing Sneezies on my Iphone during all their bits.

Episode 37

Oh Tracy Emin Noeline. If you were a bit nicer to the other women (like not smashing up their tv with a hammer), one of them may have kindly pointed out your camel toe. Kudos to actress Jude Kuring and her make-up artist though - other people have to take crack cocaine for years to look like this.

Episode 36

It's not easy being Val Richardson. After your release from prison you're making a "go" of your life, and then who should show up for an "open-ended visit" but loud-mouthed double-murderer escapee Bea Smith. It's enough to make you PUT YOUR WIG ON BACK TO FRONT!

(Prisoner FACT - actress Billie Hammerberg returned years later to play popular prisoner May Collins)

Episode 35

Upper-class Clara Goddard is so desperate to be seen as a kindly benefactor that she's been cheating her shareholders out of their money for years and she's now on remand for embezzlement. A "challenging" prisoner, Clara is even posher than The Queen Governor Davies, calling her "Erica" or "darling" and when Erica throws a wobbler on her, Clara just tells her "It's that time of the month!"

Clara is Completely Bonkers and breezes through prison like she's playing a virtual reality game and can select the "quit" button at any point. She also seems to have a Yorkshire Terrier dog sitting on top of her head. Posh people eh?

Episode 34

Meet Miss Marianne D'Vere, Melbourne's most outrageous transsexual socialite. Her coat is made out of puppies and she's just come back from London "Hated it darling, full of blacks!" (I'm not making this up - she really is a RACIST!) Miss Marianne wants to take a walk on the wild side so she's visiting Wentworth and is going to give them a colour television and a halfway house. Except it's all going to go wrong (Noleen + hammer + television = she'll end up throwing a tantrum and screaming "THESE WOMEN ARE ANIMALS!")

Episode 33

Question. You are Meg Jackson. Your husband was stabbed to death in a workplace "incident" a couple of months ago, your teenage son has left home in a sulk and your hair is made of Lego. How do you seduce a dreary English doctor who's a decade younger than you, bearing in mind that he can't make up his mind between two more attractive women so you don't even feature on his radar?

Answer. Dust down your lego hair. Put on a pair of knee-high leather boots, tear down your curtains and make yourself a dress. And By the end of the episode your ensemble will have psychodelicised him into a hypnotic submission. Meg 100. Karen/Jean 0. Dr Greg minus several million.

Episode 32

You can say what you like, but I like wigs. And judging by the look on Bea Smith's face, I may have found my soul-mate, because Bea looks just ecstatic at her new wig-do. Unfortunately, "Mum" and Judith-Anne aren't so impressed. I guess it's understandable if a double-killer turns up at your house with stab-wounds, plops herself down in the nearest chair (and probably breaks it), smokes around your UNBORN BABY (I know it was 1979 but it's no excuse) and then decides she wants you to buy her a Whole New Look. I'm not a fan of Judith-Anne (she has two names and split ends), but I'm with her on this one. Bea needs to Go!

Episode 31

I hope you're not reading this at work. If you are, you're fired. Sharp-eyed viewers may have raised an eyebrow at this rare topless shot of Nolene - which must have made it past the censors who blinked at the key moment (I didn't though). She's pulling that face because Doreen, Monica and Lizzie have hatched a wicked plan to trap her in the shower with scalding water. But what's that on the walls? Is Lynne Warner on shit strike again?

Episode 30

Which Vera do you like? Vinegar Tits Vera with her hair tightly up in a bun, a contemptuous snarl for the prisoners ANIMALS, and a crisply starched uniform? Or off-duty nice Vera - with that cute little up-flip to her wig (it must be a wig - how can all of that fit into the bun?), and the drug-baron boyfriend? Like Bea and Frankie, Vera is one of the true Tragic Figures of Prisoner, her key character trait - her loneliness being the driving force which explains all of her behaviour.

Episode 29

The Pris writers are feeling frustrated with dreary will-they won't-they please-don't-they storylines about Karen and Dr Greg and have instead thought up a psycho-thriller narrative about strange shoplifter Susan Rice and her hated of celebrity Jason Richard (pictured here looking as if he's modelling a 1970s macho man fancy dress outfit). I can't say I remember how it turned out (and I only watched it last week) but needless to say, this character gets acid thrown in his face, and it transpires that two people were actually one person. Watch out Alfred Hitchcock!

Episode 28

It's always nice when Prisoner decides to use a lazy stereotype. We've got Jean the fluffy middle-class social worker, Greg the earnest British doctor, Erica the ladylike governess, Lizzie the old lag and now meet Dr Wiseman the Jewish psychiatrist. Because Freud was Jewish, wasn't he? And Jewish people have big noses, don't they?

Episode 27

Here's Vera and her DRUG DEALER boyfriend I was talking about. He has all the allure of a 1970s Australian man - check out that scraggly beard (grown to compensate male pattern baldness) and the white John Travolta jacket with lapels that could take your eye out. I know Vera is supposed to be a desperate spinster lady, but really, she could do so much better. Aren't there any good-looking drug dealers in Melbourne?

Episode 26

There's kind of a complicated love dynamic going on in Prisoner at the moment, with both Dr Greg and barrister Steve being simultaneously attracted to husband-murderer Karen Travers and social worker Jean Vernon. It's all a bit like a DH Lawrence novel. Poor old Meg gets to act as the gooseberry in all of this (always the bridesmaid), whereas Vera doesn't even get invited to their "hilarious" soirees, and has instead hooked up with DRUG DEALERS. I don't care how it will all resolve itself, and I can't work who's going to end up with the booby prize. I guess with Karen, as long as you hide the knives it might stand a chance. There's less hope with Jean though. As Vera is fond of saying, she's learnt about life through her "university books" and now feels equipped to tell everyone all about it. Presumably, she didn't take a course on how to dress herself - if these blue "robes" are anything to go by. Even in 1979, this would have been viewed as an extreme, perhaps even aggressive statement.

Episode 25

This character has only a small role onscreen, but he more than makes up for it. The actor has obviously spend quite some time getting "in character" for his role as a down-trodden, world-weary store detective in a dreary dead-end job. You can imagine him dressing for work - brushing the "comb-over" into place with his hand and then patting it down with under-arm sweat,then reaching into a huge wardrobe full of identical off-white polyester shirts and poorly-fitting brown jackets. Another day, another Australian dollar.

Episode 24

Here we are, finally at Karen Travers' retrial. It's not going well. Her lawyer, Steve has already failed to get off Catherine and Lynne, and I'm beginning to suspect his qualifications are faked. Karen has a plan though - if she doesn't get released, she will use the GIANT COLLAR WINGS on her blouse to fly out of the courtroom and all the way to New Zealand.

Episode 23

Memo to Jean Vernon (social worker) from Erica Davidson (Governess).

Jean, it has come to my attention that yesterday you came to work in a kimono. The last time I checked you were not Japanese. I trust this will NEVER happen again.

Episode 22

Lizzie gets day release to visit her narky old brother on his death bed, and Erica decides to accompany her (well if you spent 95% of your time in that dreary Soviet-era office you'd want to get out every now and then). In this "touching" character-development scene, the odd couple sit by a lake (ERICA IS ACTUALLY SITTING ON THE GROUND!!) and we get to hear about Lizzie's struggles in The Depression (it must have been bad - it looks like she was never able to afford to buy any clothes since then), and Erica's often-hinted at "family troubles". Erica, I do hope it's not after Labour Day as you're wearing white heels.

Episode 21

When we last saw Doreen, she was "disguised" as a nun on the run, as a way of conning money from unsuspecting charitable folk. But it all goes wrong - Frankie is fatally wounded by a policeman and Doreen gives herself up. However, in those last fleeting seconds of life, Frankie's soul entered Doreen's body, meaning that Doreen stops washing her hair, sits with her legs spread apart and talks in a "male" Australian accent. Here she is, with her new "gang" (two extras - budget troubles?), toughing it out in the prison garden. Don't worry, in a few episodes Frankie's spirit will leave her for good and Doreen'll be back to carrying around a teddy bear and wetting her pampers.

Episode 20

Prisoner's most eligble bachelor, slightly-built Steve Wilson is a foxy barrister with a full head of (grey) hair and a television announcer voice. Somehow he ingratiates himself into the storylines of Karen Travers, Lynne Warner and Catherine Roberts (one wonders how he kept himself busy before Pris began). There is also implausible sexual chemistry with do-gooding social-worker type Jean Vernon. As he is clearly gay and in love with me.

Episode 19

Catherine Roberts and her daughter Sarah. She's sublimating her rage into this salad (ice-berg lettuce and discount mayonnaise feature heavily). This storyline builds up out of nowhere and before you know it, the Roberts family have practically taken over the whole show. It's a compelling and horrific story of a teenage girl who is raped by one of her father's business colleagues. When Mum realises that the case will probably never go to trial, she metes out her own form of vigilante justice by running him down outside a convenience store, and then backing over him - FOUR times just to make sure. Mumsy Catherine, with her bourgeois values and comfortable cardigans is much easier for audiences to identify with, and back in 1988 when this was first shown in my tv region, I quickly became engrossed in her life and was obsessed with her getting freed. Imagine how disappointed I was when THE WHOLE STORYLINE was abruptly cut in episode 24 and none of the characters were ever heard of again. It took my quite a long time to forgive Pris for making me invest like that with zero payback.

Episode 18

No, it's not Henry VII, fresh from the Battle of Bosworth Field, it's new prisoner Monica Ferguson (she's a bit "common" but is quickly established as a good sort and one of Bea's allies). Old Monnie really suits those dunagrees. In a "humorous" scene, it's established that she's "in" for beating up her husband. Now Prisoner, just because it's a woman beating up a man, rather than the other way round, it doesn't make it funny or OK.

Episode 17

Sneaky Barbara Davidson is convinced she'll have an easy time inside because "Aunty" Erica (the governor) will look after her. Doesn't Australia have any other prisons it can send relatives of the governer to? Barbara doesn't have a very good grip on reality and seems to view prison as a bit like boarding school, which might explain those unfortunate pig-tails. It's difficult to work out if she's a cretin or a manipulative schemer, but there's a coldly manic glint in her eyes that screams sociopath. This is going to turn out bad.

Episode 16

Look at new character - do-gooder Jean Vernon who is some sort of prison rehabilitation/welfare officer (we never really know). I don't like her which is why I've chosen this unflattering picture. Jean is a little miss sunshine and wants to put all the prisoners out on day-release schemes or else get an expensive and handsome barrister to have their sentences commuted. Being far more glamorous than poor Vera and dowdy Meg - who have to wear the same boring prison uniform day in, day out, Jean gets to wear her own clothes - which have clearly been designed by Melbourne's answer to Edith Head. I bet her frequent costume changes (in every scene she's in a different fashion monstrosity) took up the entire year's clothing budget, along with the budget for lighting (for some reason in the last few episodes many of the interior scenes have taken place in practical darkness!)

Episode 15

Did this episode inspire the "hilarious" 1990 Robbie Coltrane film Nuns on The Run? The story of Doreen and Frankie's escape has it all. One minute you feel their fear as they try to avoid the police (who seem to be EVERYWHERE). Another minute, you're laughing along with them as they squabble and play dress up. And then you're touched as they inveigle their way into the life of a lonely pensioner lady, who protects them, but must ultimately be abandoned. And last of all - you'll be sobbing your eyes out when Frankie is shot down in a hail of bullets. Oh Prisoner - you'll feel more things in a single episode than you will in a decade of normal living.

Episode 14

Here's the first of a double-feature - Doreen and Frankie on the run. Having broken into a working-class garden belonging to a normal heterosexual couple, they steal their clothes from the washing line. Do you think these women look like escaped prisoners? Do not approach. They are dangerous and violent - and Doreen's frock may give you a migraine.

Episode 13

"Mum" - a character surrounded in mystery. Why was she so posh, while her "bourgeois" daughter Louise (played by Anne Charleston better known as Madge in Neighbours) had such a "rough" accent? And why did everyone claim she was so loved, while she seemed so distant and at times rather cold. This homely-looking blanket was made for her as a "leaving present" in episode 2. I bet it smelled bad. All of the prisoners clubbed together and did a square. I'm not convinced. Mum rarely interacted with anyone, instead spending most of her time in the prison garden. I'd be more likely to believe that each of the flowers had made a square each.

Episode 12

Does this look like a whore's wedding to you? Lynne Warner, now released for a crime she didn't commit, has fallen in with a "bad crowd" because nobody else will have her. I really wish I'd had this scowling bridesmaid at my wedding. She looks like someone who just auditioned to be in early Madonna video and didn't get in. And the best man looks like a zombie.

Episode 11

Carol Burns who played Frankie Doyle deserves many plaudits - I think she was responsible for the early success of Prisoner, with her explosive acting which still managed to make a deeply disturbed character also incredibly sympathetic and at times funny.

As a "ground-breaking" adult soap, Pris was never afraid at tackling the big issues of the day - and although Frankie may have been a stereotypical butch dyke (who was also emotionally and literally illiterate, on top of being a violent criminal), she was at least the start of lesbian visibility. And there is no doubt that anyone watching Prisoner, ends up rooting for Frankie. Here she is, ransacking the rec room for the millionth time. You'd think they would have learnt to screw those bookshelves to the wall by now. Out of respect, I'm saying nothing about the dungarees.

Episode 10

Poor old Vera - she only has two modes: authoritarian bitch and pathetic submissive. In this scene she hurtles from mode 2 to mode 1 to mode 2 again. All dressed up and loaded on dutch courage, she's released her hair from the prison-regulation bun and tried to go for the Farrah Fawcett look. However, she's realised that 70s night-life isn't all stomping at the Savoy and coming on down to Studio 54. Instead it involves being ignored at a bar while you are simultaneously lit with red and green lights so you look like you're in a Vincent Price film. Here's a secret. Vera was always my favourite. I have a LOT of time for her.

Episode 9

Neighbours from Hell. It's the evil Bentleys. He raped the help (Lynne Warner), and she decided to take it out on their baby by burying the poor thing in the garden. You can tell she's evil because she's scraped her hair back into a tight bun, which emphasises her witchy nose, chin and neck veins, and to complete the enesmble, she's wearing a poly-blend MESS that looks like the sort of thing satanists would use in one of their rituals. Sadly, this is the last episode that they appear in, which is a shame because they were kind of fun.

Episode 8

Finally! A couple of "elites" enter the world of Prisoner. We can tell that they're elites because they don't have Australian accents and their clothes are made of better quality polyester. Viewers, when you first encountered Helen Masters, the glamorous and powerful business leader who has come to Melbourne to push her fabulous range of beauty products did you wish to BECOME her? Did you wish to have a gorgeous assistant called James Brandon, complete with a full head of perm and a suit borrowed from John Travolta who is "contractually obliged" to fulfil your every whim? Did you?

Well if you do ever find yourself in such a situation you may want to treat him with kindess. Because, before this epsiode is out, due to a series of bizarre co-incidences, Helen is going to find herself IN PRISON... and nobody will ever be the same again.

Episode 7

This picture goes a long way in explaining all of Vera "Vinegar Tits" Bennett's behaviour. Poor old Vera - behind every dour, rule-driven, sadistic co-worker is a disappointing and humiliating home-life. And while Vera might get to call the shots at Wentworth, at home it's she who is has to slot in to the bottom of a pecking order which involves herself and her oppressive mother.

The Vera/Mother relationship is also very reminiscient of Psycho (were the early writers overdosing on Hitchcock??) And the Bennett house is very different from the "normal" 1970s decoration of Meg Morris (who favours psychedelic patterns). Instead it has fusty old furniture (probably all tat that wouldn't fetch very many Australian dollars at a clearance sale).

We've barely got to know nasty old mother, when she's sudden screaming at Vera for not being a good enough daughter. And then she's gotten herself so angry she's had a massive heart attack - leaving Vera free to... wear a wig and become an alcoholic. But that's for later.

Episode 6

Cor Bea! Who's this hunk o spunk? Why Lizzie, it's Eddie (Iddie as he is rendered in Australian spoken English) the electrician and that explains all of those pools of drool in the rec room. We prisoners can't get enough of him - especially baby-voiced Marilyn.

Seriously Prisoner! We know these women have been starved of male company, but are we so credulous that we will believe that they'll go wild for this? I. Don't. Think. So.

Episode 5

These early episodes are so chock-full of flashbacks that they make "Lost" appear practically linear! In this soft-focus slow-motion sequence our worst fears about husband-stabber Karen Travers and "pommie" doctor Greg Miller are confirmed - they were once lovers. And they both were trapped in a sick co-dependent denim-enabling relationship. When they thought nobody was watching, they would dress FROM HEAD TO TOE in denim and run through parks. This scene explains EVERYTHING. Karen didn't kill her husband because he made her have an abortion/had an affair. No - she just wanted to live in a place where she would get to wear demin all day long...

Episode 4

I warned you that Meg's husband was going to be horribly stabbed in episode 3, and just look how fast moving this soap is - we're now at his funeral. But let's not be glum and wear black. Instead, let's CELEBRATE the life of Bill Jackson by raiding our dressing-up boxes and putting on muted yet fun colours. Erica has spent her entire month's salary on this jaunty "Send-off" outfit. It's chocolate brown. It has a hat at a jaunty angle. The hat has little "go faster" arrows on its band. And to complete the look - white gloves - because at funerals there is a strong chance that you might have to "touch" someone, and Erica is too posh to have human contact.

Meg, on the other hand, is going for chemotherapy-chic with this speckled head-dress and matching plain button-up top. Nothing says grieving like "I'm pretending I just had treatment for cancer."

I love how both women are looking at each other as if thinking "But why are you wearing THAT? It's so INAPPROPRIATE!"

Episode 3

It's Erica Davidson, Wentworth's hard-working "received pronunciation" governess - looking like a cross between an Enid Blyton Headmistress and a Hitchcock blonde. Judging from those enormous glasses, I'd guess she's pretty blind, which probably explains why the prison is so badly run and keeps having riots and suicides every episode. Or it may be that Erica spends a lot of her time doing her hair and making sure that her clothing choices are all impeccable. Say what you like about her, but I am loving this "power" ensemble. Who says that there was a glass ceiling in semi-rural 1970s Australia? Erica proves it isn't so!